I'm Not Interested!
by oozorawesomeREIJI
Summary: TFA: Bumblebee makes a very strange decision regarding interfacing. The Autobots are pretty dubious about it.


Crack, obviously. :) I tried keeping them in character, though, despite the 'wtf' subject matter. XD I wrote this whole thing just for the punchline, LOL. Let's see what you think.

* * *

**I'm **_**Not**_** Interested!**

"I never thought _you'd_ say that." Optimus Prime gives Bumblebee the 'you have no idea what you just said, do you?' look.

Bumblebee is _totally_ offended. "Oh, come _on_!" he exclaims, gesturing enthusiastically with his battle-grade stingers. "I'm sure I can do it – slag, yeah!"

"_Really._" Sari Sumdac isn't exactly convinced. She rolls her eyes. "I'm so sure," she scoffs, stifling a giggle.

Bulkhead is especially unconvinced. "You'd drop it as soon as you saw another femme walk by," he says. "You were just talking about –" Bumblebee shoots him a terrifying glare, and Bulkhead is silenced.

"Not any_more_, am I?" the yellow bot hisses, arms crossed sullenly.

"Still, you're... idealistic at best, kid," mutters Ratchet, shaking his head.

Even Prowl can't take it upon himself to support Bumblebee's new claim. "I don't know," he says finally. "It's not... highly probable."

"Oh, _shut up_," snaps Bumblebee defensively, suddenly _extremely irritated_. "I swear I can do it!" he shouts, accidentally taking a light out with a frantic waving of his stingers.

"Hey, we didn't mean it like _that_," Sari says, but her eyes are still laughing. "We were just teasing." She places a hand on him and smiles – smiles that winning smile that Bumblebee just _can't _compete with.

The speedster closes his optics momentarily. "I'd just like some slagging _faith_," he sighs.

* * *

"_Abstinence!_" screeches Bumblebee, jumping up and down hyperactively.

"Idiot!" deadpans Sari, hands on her hips. "Are you _sure_?" she asks, almost worried. "I mean, what if you have... urges?"

Cocky as ever, Bumblebee stops jumping so he can stoop down to deliver her his classic arrogant smile. "Not a problem."

* * *

"Did you have a bad experience with interfacing before?" says Prowl, in a peaceful attempt of psychoanalyzing the yellow Autobot.

"Oh Primus, _what_?!" he yelps. "_No!_"

* * *

Ratchet runs tests, just to make sure. "There could just be a problem with your circuitry," he informs a very put-out Bumblebee.

"You've got to be _kidding me_!"

The Medibot shrugs. "You might regret it later."

* * *

"There – is – _nothing_ – **wrong** – with – me!!"

* * *

"Come on, _you _have faith in me, right?" demands Bumblebee, staring at Bulkhead desperately.

"Sure I do," he says easily, "but isn't it going to affect you pretty bad?"

"I won't be affected," Bumblebee replies confidently. "It's something I'm doing for myself. I _need_ to do this!"

His best friend merely nods absently. "I hope you're right."

* * *

"Are you _sure,_ Bumblebee?" says Optimus. He looks at Bumblebee seriously. "This is, um, something you can't undo."

"I _know_, Prime!" he responds in exasperation. "I've thought about it for a while, and I'm sure it's right for me, okay?"

Optimus Prime looks pained. "You and I both know this is... awkward to talk about," he begins, and Bumblebee nods pointedly. "But I'll give you the okay on abstinence. As long as you're sure."

"I'm _sure_," Bumblebee repeats.

"Then it's fine," says Optimus Prime with a nod. "It is, after all, your choice to make."

"_Yes!_" shouts Bumblebee, effectively taking out another light in the ceiling.

* * *

It's been three days, and, surprisingly, Bumblebee hasn't complained _once_.

Then again, he's never really been a bot to be heavily affected by interfacing urges. He's an Autobot who's going to live his life to the fullest, and slag all who try to romance him!

The placement of the 'shield of nonsexual abstinence' seems to have made Bumblebee a much happier Autobot, in fact. With all his interfacing cable permanently shielded, he's been acting even more ridiculously cheerful than he has a right to.

"Amazing," says Prowl. "I thought it was going to end up being another bad decision," he admits, and Bumblebee shoots him a nasty look.

"Look," he replies, "I _know what I'm doing_." He then gives Prowl his most deranged smile, just to make him feel bad.

* * *

Megatron, great, grand and glorious leader of the Decepticons, is a pretty awesome stalker. He's had his eye on a certain speedster Autobot for a while, and what Megatron wants... Megatron gets. _No one_ says no to him.

And, well, he wants Bumblebee.

* * *

"...The slag?" says Bumblebee, mouth agape at the sudden Decepticon invasion.

"Come on!" urges Optimus, and the Autobots transform in the blink of an eye.

Bumblebee scowls. "This is _stupid_," he remarks. "I mean, didn't we _just _get rid of them?"

* * *

"_Hey_!" yells Bumblebee, flailing his arms. "Anyone going to _help me_?" he demands, trying to pointlessly shoot at Megatron with his stingers while simultaneously running away.

Bulkhead is kind-of-really-_occupied_ with Lugnut, and Blitzwing is keeping Optimus and Prowl busy. Meanwhile, Ratchet is struggling to get to Bumblebee's aid – but Autobots aren't that great at fighting Decepticons.

"You're _powerless_, Autobot," says Megatron lustfully, and Bumblebee laughs nervously and runs faster. He doesn't really want to die.

He's kind of depressed when he realizes he's just not... fast... _enough_. "Aw, slag."

This is probably the most awkward situation Bumblebee's ever been in, which is pretty amazing, considering Bumblebee's been in a _lot_ of awkward situations. Like that time he tried to be a hero and rushed thoughtlessly at Starscream at Sumdac tower. And the result wasn't pretty, because being at Starscream's mercy is _never_ cool.

So Bumblebee bursts out laughing when Megatron seats him, and carefully explains to him that he 'wants to interface.'

"You're _joking_," he chokes hysterically, regarding the ever-serious Megatron with wide optics. "That's not... that's not _possible_. Oh, Primus, that's hilarious."

"Why?" says Megatron, not used to being laughed at. He looks irritated now, and Bumblebee tries to ignore the fact that Megatron could easily put him offline without a second thought.

The Autobot looks thoughtful for a moment, then he stands up with a grin. His teeth sparkle, for just a moment, and _slag_, his confidence is through the roof! "Heh, Megatron," he smirks. "You can't do this to me," he continues, gesturing awkwardly, "because I have a _shield of nonsexual abstinence_."

_Buuuuuurn._

Bumblebee runs as fast as he can.


End file.
